


If this was meant for me

by MagnusLightwoodAlecBane



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, Heartbreak, M/M, i cried while writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 03:29:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18490411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagnusLightwoodAlecBane/pseuds/MagnusLightwoodAlecBane
Summary: "I'm serious. You're an all-powerful warlock. You can summon demons.You've lived through centuries of war.And you're immortal.What scares you?""The key to having no fears? Having nothing to lose."





	If this was meant for me

The first time he was confronted with it was when he was only a boy. Because of who he was, he had lost the very one that made him. His eyes made her realize what kind of monster she had given birth to. She couldn't live with that.

He lost his mother.

 

Ragnor, the one he could confide in. The man that had put up with all his crazy schemes and that took care of him when he broke down. Ragnor and Magnus. They didn't see each other a lot, but they loved each other. Just as much as if they would meet every day. Both of them knew they would always be there when the other needed it.

He lost his best friend.

 

He always loved helping people, being responsible for people caring for their well-being. All his life he had had to prove his worth to people that were above him. Until he succeeded. He had gained the trust of the people of New York, of Brooklyn. They voted for him. They made him their leader, their caretaker, the High Warlock of Brooklyn.

He lost his title.

 

But at least he could still do what he loved, he could still help people. He made appointments with clients and made them potions.  He helped the New York institute when they needed him. Sure, he asked for payment, but he deserved that, he had done so much already. The magic he had, he used to help. So many times he had exerted, to just do that one little thing. To heal just one minute longer. Every time he used his magic to heal,  it helped him recover from the one time he had used it for the opposite. The only time he hurt with it. His magic was who he was. He had hurt with it, healed with it.  Had protected and attacked with it.  Glamours had hid who he was, but at the end of the day he was proud of his power.

He lost his magic.

He lost his immortality.

He lost his soul.

 

So of course, the second he had a chance to get it back, he grabbed that with both hands. He went to see the man that had already taken his job, his passion away from him. He asked, he begged for help. In that moment he didn't care about what it looked like. But afterwards it stung. Cause that moment right there, he lost his dignity.

 

All the moments he had there. He moved it when it was breached by Circle members.  He'd caught the attention of a repressed shadowhunter in the living room. They had talked, made out, danced in that living room. He had laughed in the kitchen, fixing that terrible, terrible stew. And then in the dining room when the secret came out. He had had deep, heartfelt conversations on the balcony. Apologies, confessions, sweet whispered words. And then the bedroom. They had made love in there.  He had fallen asleep in the arms of that same shadowhunter from the living room. The apartment was where he trusted, cried, laughed, hurt, and loved.

He lost his home.

 

After that he let himself go. He tried to keep up appearances for the people closest to him, but he didn't try to feel better anymore. He let himself slip into the darkness.  What was it worth anyway? He had nothing else to lose. He had given it all up.

He lost his happiness.

 

The walls he had so carefully built around his heart, the façade he had kept up in front of everyone, he let it go. He broke down. Strong arms around his waist tried to keep him up. Soft words in his ears tried to make him listen. Tears fell on his cheeks while he let himself being held.

They’d talked about it later, he’d tried to brush it off but they both knew it wasn’t nothing. They both knew how bad it was. He hadn’t seen him all day, but was thankful that he’d sent him to help decorate the bookstore. It made him feel useful again. She’d told him things that made him feel accepted. She’d called him family. He had a family. He had love. He had him.

And then.

 

_I'm serious. You're an all-powerful warlock. You can summon demons._

_You've lived through centuries of war._

_And you're immortal._

_What scares you?_

_The key to having no fears? Having nothing to lose._

 

He thought he had nothing to lose.

And then he lost it all.

**Author's Note:**

> I love Magnus so much and he doesn't deserve everything that's thrown at him.   
> I couldn't not write this.   
> The title is from the same song that played during THAT scene (we all know which scene):  
> Fear of water by SYML


End file.
